John Legend - Refuge

i pray for better days to come,
i pray that i could see the sun,
but life can be so burdensome when, every days a rainy one…
but suddenly theres no more clouds, and i believe without a doubt…
that heaven sent an angel down, and she turned my life around…

you know that i know,
friends come and friends go,
storms rise and winds blow,
but one thing i know for sure…

when its cold outside…
theres no need to worry ‘coz i’m so warm inside…
you give me peace when the storms outside,
‘coz we’re in love i know, it’ll be alright…
alright, it’s alright…

thank you for being my angel. you’ve taught me so much and loved me with all of your heart. i’ve learned a lot a long the way. even though it hurts tremendously not to be with each other officially, you can rest easy knowing that our time spent together means the world to me. i missed having you to share my feelings, hear about your day and just enjoy each other’s company in only that special way you and i can. i’m so thankful to have that back. while i can’t say i enjoy fading into the background, it makes my heart smile knowing that i’m once again contributing, even in the least bit, to your happiness. if i have to live alone, knowing that i gave you a glimpse of what true love is - that your happiness mattered to me more than my own, then i’ll have succeeded. i hope it doesn’t come to that, because for our (and my) sake i would sure love another shot. a fair shot where we aren’t separated by distance, but only by the disparity in our efforts to make this relationship last. but like she even told me, “stop pushing me away.” so i won’t. i’ll hold you close, be there when you need me, say the right things, and be the best man i can be for you and for you only. hopefully, i can show you that in spite of the chaos and drama around us, the one most important thing still remains: i love you with all my heart, and when its just you and i, nothing else matters.

i should be happy right? i still feel like i’m being forgotten about. i’m trying to keep a straight face through all this, but it’s not easy. i guess i’m still pushing too hard and expecting too much right now. i screwed up monumentally and can’t just expect things to go right back to how they were. well i guess i should just bide my time. i really, really miss mattering to her. i miss her wondering what i thought about something, or how i felt about something or how i was just feeling in general. not just because she was asking to be polite, but because she really wants to know. i miss that i guess. now i just feel like i’m on level footing with everyone else, no one special, just another face in the crowd. maybe this is more self-hate talk from me but it sure does feel that way. i mean, i know i matter to my family, but it’s different with her. don’t get me wrong, i’ve been loving our talks and it’s been so wonderful to have her back in my life, but there will always be a part of me that wants more. is this the problem? time will tell. i know that trying to make things move too fast will only make her more reluctant, but dammit i just miss my girlfriend so much. i miss being a priority to her, so bad. it’s like now, i’m getting put on hold so she can get back to other people first. and i’m thankful that she’s even talking to me at all it’s still painful to be put on the back burner after knowing at one point she was doing everything she could to get back to ME as soon as she could. am i just being paranoid? i wish i knew. if i am, then my mind is as powerful as i always knew it was. i just want to matter to her again, is that too much to ask? i don’t want to be forgotten about, not by her. she means everything to me and i just can’t bear living through that. i just wish there was something i could do to make her love me as much and as openly as she did again. i’m still just pouring on all this self-hatred for getting us into this mess in the first place. this is so difficult. i just hope that i can say the right things and just be the right guy again, so that she knows for sure that not only do i want to be the one, but that i am the one. i know she also told me that other guy was just a friend, and i really hope he just is. it’s really eating me up inside and i just want to know it’s the truth for sure. i feel like she tries harder with this other guy, that he gets more time than i do. am i crazy to be thinking these thoughts? i just want her back!!! goodness, Ace how could you screw this up so bad? just remember next time you idiot, when you screw up, the feelings like now are your own fault. i’m trying so hard not to be jealous but how am i supposed to feel when i just get left hanging? she used to get back to me so fast all the time. gosh this jealousy and paranoia stuff needs to stop, i’m really starting to sound pathetic asking her why she hasn’t got back to me or what’s taking her so long. you know what my mind is thinking? it thinks she doesn’t get back to me because she’s too busy responding to others. i really need some Xanax or something. such an idiot! i’m so committed to making this work that i will continue my hardest to try and not obsess too much. i need to love without depending and care without smothering her. i’ll be here for her the best that i can be. she knows how sorry i am and how much i love her. i guess time will tell.

getcha game face on.

i’m so stuck on this girl and there’s no getting out anytime soon. just knowing someone’s moving in on her is killing me inside, whether she’s with it or not. i came back from breakfast feeling great but, that just sent me right back to last week. got that drowning feeling in my stomach and chest again…still just trying to accept everything that’s going on. but to be honest, i’ll be kicking and screaming until she’s officially with someone else, then that will be officially be the death of me. please, someone tell me if i really am stupid or naive for believing that theres hope? because honestly, i don’t want to let go, not now, not ever. she’s mine, and i’m hers, why can’t she see that? am i wrong? am i doing the right thing fighting for her? i know all i have is words, but what more can i give? i’d give it all if i could. i need to regain control of myself again. i know she’s told me she’s done, that she’s moving on, but i’m sorry Bea, and for anyone else reading this thats telling me to get on with my life, I just can’t accept that. i don’t think i ever will. john tyree, noah calhoun, jacob black, i feel your pain brothers. this pain is truly unbearable. but i’ll throw on a smile, be the best that i can be and hopefully she will remember the good things about me, i have to make myself presentable you know. i already heard everything there is to hear. someone please tell me why she’s giving up? i don’t think i’ll ever understand. but i guess this pain, this hurt is what i’m meant to feel now. that it’s supposed to change me some way for the better somehow. for what? so i can move on? find the strength to deal with future adversity? find someone else that will never be as good or as beautiful as she was? sorry but i’m not for that. people always say during breakups, you’ll find someone else, someone better. what if i don’t? she can, because she could have any guy she wants. but me? no, not me. i’ll be lucky if i can find a girl whom i can tolerate for 20 minutes. every time i try to imagine myself doing things with another girl, some random incarnation i try to fashion, i look away and back and she’s turned into Bea again. she has this vice grip on my heart and i don’t ever want her to let go. i used to be first in her life, and while i’m still glad she’s around, it’s heartbreaking in it’s own way to know i’m fading into the background. i duno. one day at a time i guess, right? do you have any idea what it’s like? every second of every minute of every day thinking of someone, loving them for everything they are, only to have them fall out of it with you? gosh i’m such a fool in every which way, i can’t stand it. how could you have messed up so bad Ace?!?! how could you do this to us?!? cue the self-loathing, because i deserve it. if you could step inside my mind, you’d cover your ears at how much i’m yelling at myself. you know what they say, it’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black. oh and update? still no light at the end of the tunnel. well whether i’m positive like my last entry, or realistic, like this one, one thing is for certain. i still love her, and i always will. it’s not something that just dissipates so easily. i know i’m a fool, but i hope it’s for the right reasons. i was okay with being the fool who fell in love so fast, okay with being the fool who stayed so long. okay with being the fool who thought we could make it against all odds. okay with being the fool who believed in forever & always. okay with being the fool who believed that love can overcome any obstacle. i just don’t want to be the fool who believes in these words she wrote to me. the fool that carries them around today, finding hope and salvation and a promise for the future in them. i want to be the man who read those words, felt them and clung to them until he could make her see again. see that everything that we could both ever ask for in life was right in front of us, on the other side of our respective screens. if i could have but one regret, one thing to change about me, it would be this. that i wish i had everything figured out from the beginning. that i had the wisdom, and perception to realize that i was failing her and breaking her heart every day. there will be guilt i carry on these shoulders, for her and for me. if she could hear me now, i’d tell her, i’m sorry…so very very sorry. that the only cycle i want to be stuck in with her is good morning, good night, and everything else in between. and Ace, i want to tell you something. you are a fool. you’re lazy and egotistical. you have a lot of growing up to do. think you know everything? start off by knowing that you know NOTHING. look what you did to us. to her, and now she’s lost to us. i hope you’re satisfied.

__________________________________________________________

well, enough crying now. sometimes, we don’t get what we want and sometimes we do. you know, sometimes i wonder if this story is going to have a happy or sad ending. i know that it will definitely be in the drama section of your nearest bookstore. yes, i pictured our story as a book, not a movie, because there are way too many emotions and subtle nuances that can’t be overtly captured on the silver screen. but anyway, i have to hope for the best, because this relationship has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. it’s synonymous with all the growth i’ve had and progress i’ve made in life and in the Army. its been the foundation for all the good things in my life for the past two years, and she has been the center of it all. i can’t stop fighting for her, i won’t stop. even if it’s hopeless. you know the expression, ‘lover, not a fighter.’ well i think when you love, you fight every single day. some days are better than others, but you fight with an unparalleled tenacity to keep that love alive. fight to let each other know that it’s okay to mess up sometimes because i’ll always be there to catch you. i love her so much, i wish she would just look back on all we’ve had and realize in spite of all the suffering, all the pain felt now in trying to make it work, it’s worth it because of what the future holds. we always told each other that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. i’m always going to have my opinions of what i want, but no matter what you do, i love you, i love you, I LOVE YOU.

forever & always

love,

-ace

…I would make you stay, so I don’t have to say you were the one that got away.

“We’d keep all our promises, be us against the world.” ~ I can’t think of a line more appropriate.

Love love love that song! How utterly appropriate that it’s popular now, at least here anyway because everything’s late.

Some days are better than others, and this is one of those days.

Anyway, great news. Guess who got to talk  again? I know, I know, it’s not like we’re back together again, but it’s been a while since I had a smile on my face for several consecutive hours, and it felt great. I tried my lame attempts at flirting but that didn’t get far. I wonder if she knows that getting even a little bit of her time in the day really makes me happy?Guess that’s something I never showed as a boyfriend. Funny how you can have everything and never notice until it’s gone. More sad than funny, actually. About that, it really upsets me how bad of a boyfriend I was. I swear on everything I won’t make those mistakes again, I’m better than that. It’s more than just letting her down, I let myself down. Now I guess I have to shoulder a little more guilt, because for most of the time we were together she was good to me and she didn’t deserve how I treated her. Here’s a funny story I just thought about. It was maybe 2-3 weeks before I went to basic training and I was out with my friends at platters on 53rd and 6th in the city. We were walking up to get food, and we talked about how crazy it would be if I met someone a week before I left. Sure enough, the Universe in it’s crazy way made it happen. Her and I became enamored with each other very quickly, spent several nights talking all night, just like we did tonight, and spent one day together before I left for several months. It’s one of the happiest days of my life, and it forever will be. It’s funny that I’m tearing as I’m writing this. Tears of joy, don’t worry. I know that for the past few days, I’ve been complaining so much about how bad life is, how much I wish things could go back to the way they were. But now, I feel something so much better. A huge sense of gratitude. Just recognizing its presence gives me goosebumps and makes my eyes well up with water. I’m so thankful for everything we were able to share, thankful for all the feelings we felt. It’s been such a beautiful experience and I am so, so thankful that God thought I was worthy enough to have love visit my life, and better yet with someone beautiful. I’m stricken, I still am. It’s interesting how these things work. I’m divided right now, as there is one side of me hurting for the loss of the love of my life, and the other side happy and thankful, thinking, “how lucky are you for having her in your life? you’re lucky it was even that long!” The funniest part, people who know me know I’m rambling when I’m happy about something which is what I am doing right now. I feel like this is the only place I can shout at the top of my lungs how much I love Isabea Pelino! I love her I love her, I LOVE HER. Sorry ladies, but as for now and indefinitely, my heart belongs to her. I’m okay with that. Let me just say, I’m still hurting. I just want to be very clear about that, but I’ll be the best person I can be for her, secretly of course. (Don’t tell anyone, okay?) I just gotta say, talking to her again feels so amazing. I’ve always been good at hiding my emotions, but this is a LOT of love to try to hide. Definitely out of my comfort zone on this one. One time, we watched Dolphin Tale together, and we were the only people in the theater. Honestly, it felt like we were the only people on Earth, and it was a good feeling, just her and I. I’m keeping that one close to the chest. :)

69 - her sense of humor.

Gosh, is this ever sexy? THE MOST AMAZING sense of humor I’ve ever seen in a female. Whether she’s fobbing out, making a racist comment, or a corny joke, it always lands when I hear it. I think it’s such a big deal to me because I’ve met girls that are so dense, and I never thought that there would be another person who finds what I find funny, funny. This is something so rare nowadays, I think people who laugh at the obvious are so lame, and I’m glad that there’s someone like me out there that has a complicated sense of humor. I guess in that sense, we’re not so different, right?

okay, i just made myself sad again because I miss having her in that way. sorry, it’s just the selfish part of me taking over. my unconditional loving side, that loves her for everything she is, wants her to be happy and satisfied with everything, but there’s the side of me that knows it’s me that can get her to reach her happiest point ever. well i screwed that up royally, maybe in another life.

i’m not mad. i’ll be honest though, i’m still hurt and deeply saddened. but there is a side of me that’s happy. happy to know that nothing here can hurt me as bad as losing you; no matter if i’m hurt, shot, blown up, whatever else. everything else is minuscule in comparison to the heartache i’ve been feeling compared to losing you. i’m happy you’re finding happiness somewhere else. i feel like i’m being replaced, and i’m sorry i couldn’t give you that happiness. that is a hurt you can’t imagine. i don’t hate you, because i was the one that couldn’t make you happy while i was away. things have been happening out here, and it made me isolated from everyone, even you. and for that, i am so sorry.

you know i can never stay mad at you, no matter what you do. you had every right to leave me, but if you want me to stop loving you, i’m sorry, because the best i can do is pretend. i’ll look on you and smile, knowing that the love of my life has found happiness, and there’s no greater gift than that. knowing you is knowing true love. that is what unconditional love is. learning to let go, give up every selfish thought, any thoughts or hopes of making yourself happy, everything, to see your love smile. all i could ever wish for is your happiness. i’m sorry that somewhere along the way, i forgot that.

i want to thank you for all the memories, the letters, the gifts, the smiles and the laughs you have given me. those memories will stay with me forever. even though most of our time together was spent apart, ironically, we shared something truly rare and valuable. a bond that truly withstood the obstacles of time and distance. it was me and this place that messed it up for us, so for showing me that there is hope, i cannot thank you enough.

go on, enjoy your fun, live your life and find what you’re looking for. i realized that all this time, i’ve been praying for the wrong things. i can’t ask God to control you and bring you back to me. i’ve instead asked him to make me a better man, with the patience, strength and courage to endure my time without you. when you find me again, maybe after my time finding the meaning in all the suffering, you will see the man i should have been all along. whenever, if ever, you decide to take this journey with me again, just know that i’ll be ready.

i hope that one day, our hands will find each other’s again, my fingers interlaced with yours. this is why i squeezed so tight, because the thought of letting go scared the selfish side of me so much. nothing has ever felt so right, so warm, and made me feel more loved than the feeling of your hand reach out for mine.

so this isn’t goodbye, more like… “see you later”. :) just know that there isn’t a minute that goes by where i stop loving you, but i’ll do my best to hide that if it’s what you want. i know that i’ve broken many promises since our first time together, but just know that the one that matters most-i will always keep. i will love you with all my heart, forever and always.

…her smile lights up my life.

#71 - her smile.

even like now, in the worst of times, seeing her smile, even in a photo, can bring me strength. her smile is beauty, in all aspects. it’s something that i miss dearly. and when times are difficult, i pull out a picture of her and i and i look at her beautiful, smiling face. i’m so glad that for a brief moment in time, i was able to put a smile her face. i can’t think of anything to be more grateful for, than to have that opportunity. no matter what happens, i’ll look to the future with an open mind and an open heart.

~sad :(

there have been many times when you asked for time away, a break, to see if this is what you really wanted. i remember them all so clearly now. i hope that it isn’t really over, that this is just one of those times where you need a break to really reassess the value of our relationship. i know you’ve been out and socializing and living your life. you have every right to. but while you’re away looking for something, i just want you to know my side:

i want to be yours. forever and ever.

i want to be able to talk and work any issues out, whether they are big or little.

in spite of how angry we are at each other, you are my one true love and i know that there is nothing big enough that we can’t see it through together.

i hope that when you think about us again, you realize that our relationship was so much more than just fights, texts, and wifi. it was so much more. our moments of happiness were in the details, like sitting together at Perkins & Red Robin & iHop. please remember how i put my hoodie over you in the rain while we walked back to the car. please remember the good times we had. watching Storage Wars, random movies, you making me pancakes. there is so much more of that for us in the future, i’m so sure of it. i’m almost free from this commitment to the Army, my love. you told me you would wait for me, that you guaranteed that we were the only ones for each other. please make good on your word like i will make good on mine. when i’m out, we will really start our forever, together. it’s all i’ve ever looked forward to since i took my first flight to Oklahoma. please, my darling baby doe, take me back into your life, as slowly as you need to. i’m not here to fool you, you can hold me to these words and take anything as collateral. i know i’ve promised a lot while i’ve been writing here but if  you give me the same dedication and love that you did before, i will make good on them.

they say that if you love someone, let them go, and if they return to you it was always meant to be. well, that’s what i’m attempting to do now even though i have no say in the matter. i hope that in the end this time away will have strengthened our bond and our love. i’m thinking about you every second, every minute of every day, and i still love you with 111% of my heart. i love you, i love you, I LOVE YOU.

forever & always

-ace

no, i’m not being ma arte, this is truly agonizing. it’s like someone is standing on my chest 24/7. i can’t breathe. i’m drowning. it’s like i have no pulse, food has no taste, nothing is the same. this is so painful.

i’ve never prayed so much for anything in my life. 

i don’t know what’s going on anymore and i hope you haven’t yet moved on from me. it hasn’t even been a month, could you already be thinking of someone else that way? i really hope not. it will be a very, very long time before i could ever even think of a possibility in which you are not my significant other.

i don’t know what else to say or do, except keep writing. it won’t be long before i have to seek help. i really feel hopeless and i don’t want to do anything stupid. i’m trying to show that i can be strong and stable and you see that i’m fit to be with, but it’s surely difficult.

someone on the outside would think that we barely care about each other, being that we barely spent any time together. but you and i both know this is not true. i love and care for you so much and this is the worst torture ever. please, i need you in my life again, i’m really ready now. 

please God, grant me the strength to endure this pain and to understand why. no matter how hard i try it’s like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. prayer helps. but i’m losing steam every day. i’m trapped in a prison where there is no escape. i neglected my only window to happiness and now she’s gone. please, i desperately need your help.

if i could pray for something , selfishly, it would be for you to bring her back to me that we may be each other’s one and only love. please God, i’ve never wanted anything so bad in my life. if you bring us back together, my life is yours. i don’t need to explain why or how but just look into my heart and soul and see the pain and longing and true unconditional love that is there. please provide the grounds for which it can flourish again. i know for certain that anyone who has ran to your for help, returned to believing after long absence has been forgiven and not gone unaided. please remember me, i’m so sorry for everything.

i’ve been praying so hard every night to the point of tears just to be her one and only again and to have things the way they used to be. i will be a better person, a better boyfriend and an amazing husband, i just need a shot. please God, if there’s anything you could give me it would be to open her eyes and her heart again to know how hurt and sincere i am about everything i’m saying. please God, just bring her back to me, and i will do the rest, i promise both you and her that. i will do everything i failed to do and make all the effort in the world to show her even the slightest bit how much she means to me. i will be random, spontaneous, sincere and trustworthy. i won’t fail, because if a few weeks without her feels like this, i don’t want to live a lifetime without her. i know what i’m asking for a lot and is selfish but please, these are just the fleeting hopes and prayers of a person who’s so hopelessly in love.