i’m not mad. i’ll be honest though, i’m still hurt and deeply saddened. but there is a side of me that’s happy. happy to know that nothing here can hurt me as bad as losing you; no matter if i’m hurt, shot, blown up, whatever else. everything else is minuscule in comparison to the heartache i’ve been feeling compared to losing you. i’m happy you’re finding happiness somewhere else. i feel like i’m being replaced, and i’m sorry i couldn’t give you that happiness. that is a hurt you can’t imagine. i don’t hate you, because i was the one that couldn’t make you happy while i was away. things have been happening out here, and it made me isolated from everyone, even you. and for that, i am so sorry.

you know i can never stay mad at you, no matter what you do. you had every right to leave me, but if you want me to stop loving you, i’m sorry, because the best i can do is pretend. i’ll look on you and smile, knowing that the love of my life has found happiness, and there’s no greater gift than that. knowing you is knowing true love. that is what unconditional love is. learning to let go, give up every selfish thought, any thoughts or hopes of making yourself happy, everything, to see your love smile. all i could ever wish for is your happiness. i’m sorry that somewhere along the way, i forgot that.

i want to thank you for all the memories, the letters, the gifts, the smiles and the laughs you have given me. those memories will stay with me forever. even though most of our time together was spent apart, ironically, we shared something truly rare and valuable. a bond that truly withstood the obstacles of time and distance. it was me and this place that messed it up for us, so for showing me that there is hope, i cannot thank you enough.

go on, enjoy your fun, live your life and find what you’re looking for. i realized that all this time, i’ve been praying for the wrong things. i can’t ask God to control you and bring you back to me. i’ve instead asked him to make me a better man, with the patience, strength and courage to endure my time without you. when you find me again, maybe after my time finding the meaning in all the suffering, you will see the man i should have been all along. whenever, if ever, you decide to take this journey with me again, just know that i’ll be ready.

i hope that one day, our hands will find each other’s again, my fingers interlaced with yours. this is why i squeezed so tight, because the thought of letting go scared the selfish side of me so much. nothing has ever felt so right, so warm, and made me feel more loved than the feeling of your hand reach out for mine.

so this isn’t goodbye, more like… “see you later”. :) just know that there isn’t a minute that goes by where i stop loving you, but i’ll do my best to hide that if it’s what you want. i know that i’ve broken many promises since our first time together, but just know that the one that matters most-i will always keep. i will love you with all my heart, forever and always.