i’m so stuck on this girl and there’s no getting out anytime soon. just knowing someone’s moving in on her is killing me inside, whether she’s with it or not. i came back from breakfast feeling great but, that just sent me right back to last week. got that drowning feeling in my stomach and chest again…still just trying to accept everything that’s going on. but to be honest, i’ll be kicking and screaming until she’s officially with someone else, then that will be officially be the death of me. please, someone tell me if i really am stupid or naive for believing that theres hope? because honestly, i don’t want to let go, not now, not ever. she’s mine, and i’m hers, why can’t she see that? am i wrong? am i doing the right thing fighting for her? i know all i have is words, but what more can i give? i’d give it all if i could. i need to regain control of myself again. i know she’s told me she’s done, that she’s moving on, but i’m sorry Bea, and for anyone else reading this thats telling me to get on with my life, I just can’t accept that. i don’t think i ever will. john tyree, noah calhoun, jacob black, i feel your pain brothers. this pain is truly unbearable. but i’ll throw on a smile, be the best that i can be and hopefully she will remember the good things about me, i have to make myself presentable you know. i already heard everything there is to hear. someone please tell me why she’s giving up? i don’t think i’ll ever understand. but i guess this pain, this hurt is what i’m meant to feel now. that it’s supposed to change me some way for the better somehow. for what? so i can move on? find the strength to deal with future adversity? find someone else that will never be as good or as beautiful as she was? sorry but i’m not for that. people always say during breakups, you’ll find someone else, someone better. what if i don’t? she can, because she could have any guy she wants. but me? no, not me. i’ll be lucky if i can find a girl whom i can tolerate for 20 minutes. every time i try to imagine myself doing things with another girl, some random incarnation i try to fashion, i look away and back and she’s turned into Bea again. she has this vice grip on my heart and i don’t ever want her to let go. i used to be first in her life, and while i’m still glad she’s around, it’s heartbreaking in it’s own way to know i’m fading into the background. i duno. one day at a time i guess, right? do you have any idea what it’s like? every second of every minute of every day thinking of someone, loving them for everything they are, only to have them fall out of it with you? gosh i’m such a fool in every which way, i can’t stand it. how could you have messed up so bad Ace?!?! how could you do this to us?!? cue the self-loathing, because i deserve it. if you could step inside my mind, you’d cover your ears at how much i’m yelling at myself. you know what they say, it’s always darkest just before it goes pitch black. oh and update? still no light at the end of the tunnel. well whether i’m positive like my last entry, or realistic, like this one, one thing is for certain. i still love her, and i always will. it’s not something that just dissipates so easily. i know i’m a fool, but i hope it’s for the right reasons. i was okay with being the fool who fell in love so fast, okay with being the fool who stayed so long. okay with being the fool who thought we could make it against all odds. okay with being the fool who believed in forever & always. okay with being the fool who believed that love can overcome any obstacle. i just don’t want to be the fool who believes in these words she wrote to me. the fool that carries them around today, finding hope and salvation and a promise for the future in them. i want to be the man who read those words, felt them and clung to them until he could make her see again. see that everything that we could both ever ask for in life was right in front of us, on the other side of our respective screens. if i could have but one regret, one thing to change about me, it would be this. that i wish i had everything figured out from the beginning. that i had the wisdom, and perception to realize that i was failing her and breaking her heart every day. there will be guilt i carry on these shoulders, for her and for me. if she could hear me now, i’d tell her, i’m sorry…so very very sorry. that the only cycle i want to be stuck in with her is good morning, good night, and everything else in between. and Ace, i want to tell you something. you are a fool. you’re lazy and egotistical. you have a lot of growing up to do. think you know everything? start off by knowing that you know NOTHING. look what you did to us. to her, and now she’s lost to us. i hope you’re satisfied.

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well, enough crying now. sometimes, we don’t get what we want and sometimes we do. you know, sometimes i wonder if this story is going to have a happy or sad ending. i know that it will definitely be in the drama section of your nearest bookstore. yes, i pictured our story as a book, not a movie, because there are way too many emotions and subtle nuances that can’t be overtly captured on the silver screen. but anyway, i have to hope for the best, because this relationship has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. it’s synonymous with all the growth i’ve had and progress i’ve made in life and in the Army. its been the foundation for all the good things in my life for the past two years, and she has been the center of it all. i can’t stop fighting for her, i won’t stop. even if it’s hopeless. you know the expression, ‘lover, not a fighter.’ well i think when you love, you fight every single day. some days are better than others, but you fight with an unparalleled tenacity to keep that love alive. fight to let each other know that it’s okay to mess up sometimes because i’ll always be there to catch you. i love her so much, i wish she would just look back on all we’ve had and realize in spite of all the suffering, all the pain felt now in trying to make it work, it’s worth it because of what the future holds. we always told each other that nothing worthwhile is ever easy. i’m always going to have my opinions of what i want, but no matter what you do, i love you, i love you, I LOVE YOU.

forever & always

love,

-ace