i should be happy right? i still feel like i’m being forgotten about. i’m trying to keep a straight face through all this, but it’s not easy. i guess i’m still pushing too hard and expecting too much right now. i screwed up monumentally and can’t just expect things to go right back to how they were. well i guess i should just bide my time. i really, really miss mattering to her. i miss her wondering what i thought about something, or how i felt about something or how i was just feeling in general. not just because she was asking to be polite, but because she really wants to know. i miss that i guess. now i just feel like i’m on level footing with everyone else, no one special, just another face in the crowd. maybe this is more self-hate talk from me but it sure does feel that way. i mean, i know i matter to my family, but it’s different with her. don’t get me wrong, i’ve been loving our talks and it’s been so wonderful to have her back in my life, but there will always be a part of me that wants more. is this the problem? time will tell. i know that trying to make things move too fast will only make her more reluctant, but dammit i just miss my girlfriend so much. i miss being a priority to her, so bad. it’s like now, i’m getting put on hold so she can get back to other people first. and i’m thankful that she’s even talking to me at all it’s still painful to be put on the back burner after knowing at one point she was doing everything she could to get back to ME as soon as she could. am i just being paranoid? i wish i knew. if i am, then my mind is as powerful as i always knew it was. i just want to matter to her again, is that too much to ask? i don’t want to be forgotten about, not by her. she means everything to me and i just can’t bear living through that. i just wish there was something i could do to make her love me as much and as openly as she did again. i’m still just pouring on all this self-hatred for getting us into this mess in the first place. this is so difficult. i just hope that i can say the right things and just be the right guy again, so that she knows for sure that not only do i want to be the one, but that i am the one. i know she also told me that other guy was just a friend, and i really hope he just is. it’s really eating me up inside and i just want to know it’s the truth for sure. i feel like she tries harder with this other guy, that he gets more time than i do. am i crazy to be thinking these thoughts? i just want her back!!! goodness, Ace how could you screw this up so bad? just remember next time you idiot, when you screw up, the feelings like now are your own fault. i’m trying so hard not to be jealous but how am i supposed to feel when i just get left hanging? she used to get back to me so fast all the time. gosh this jealousy and paranoia stuff needs to stop, i’m really starting to sound pathetic asking her why she hasn’t got back to me or what’s taking her so long. you know what my mind is thinking? it thinks she doesn’t get back to me because she’s too busy responding to others. i really need some Xanax or something. such an idiot! i’m so committed to making this work that i will continue my hardest to try and not obsess too much. i need to love without depending and care without smothering her. i’ll be here for her the best that i can be. she knows how sorry i am and how much i love her. i guess time will tell.